"Bro! Your laptop has been beeping for five minutes."
I'm Sam. On a sabbatical and travelling the country. Or so I thought two months back. Now it's mostly playing with niece and catching up on Netflix.
I decided to visit my dear brother and family on my way to a remote village in Attapadi for a literal social distancing and life with nature. That's when Covid struck and the lockdown began. Now social distancing is happening here itself, minus the nature.
Today is day 51 of lockdown. As I alert Simon about his 'ringing' laptop, I kinda know where this would end. It's day 51 of lockdown and 'my' 7th official call (including the one I'm about to answer), not to mention the 5 different group calls of his; class-11 friends, gym friends, hostel mates, wild wild workers (whatever that one is) and yogis of Bhaskaran Pilla street. Oh I almost forgot his 'Liverpooler forever' group. Actually had fun with that one. I doubt he is a 'Liverpooler forever' anymore after that call.
And his 'Porotta-beef chunkz', 'Nature dudez' and 'Lalettan rulez' have scheduled their calls this week apparently. I have never understood how the use of 'z' makes anything sound cooler. Like a bee buzzing at the end of each..."Eda Sam!!" His echo calls from the bathroom.
"I hear you Sima" I reply with the least enthusiasm. "Da please answer my conference call! I'll be out in five. Just take it, text them 'How's it going?', pass a couple of cliche hand-wash jokes and play Indiavision. By then I'll be there. Well, you know the drill!"
Oh yes I do. Something doesn't add up here? It's time I tell you our beard story. Simon and I are not twins, but we look quite alike nowadays. I started growing my hair and beard as part of my 'lone traveller' look and just for the ease of it all. Simon started growing his after he lost a bet. He was about to get rid of it, but then the lockdown started and he just wouldn't trust any of us to chop it down for him. He gets all edgy and sensitive when it comes to facial hair. In short, like any Malayali with a Thor-like beard and hair, Simon and I look quite alike (Having inherited out mother's nose has helped too). We also sound alike. When I answered his first con-call for him as he was watching the finale of Game of Thrones (that was a fair reason right?), I was thrilled no-one caught it! I just answered the call, exchanged niceties, and then he took over and got to business. Noone knew any better!
Soon it became this cool thing that we could do as brothers. But now things have gotten out of hand. One day, Simon decided to answer my call before I got to it. It was my girl friend. She did call the bluff in about Thirty seconds. But it was enough for our brotherhood to turn evil. So now Simon has me doing his bids for him and if I refuse, my gf would be introduced to my mom and the temporarily shut down tele serials will resume live from home!!
I have been answering all these crazy calls for him as he gets more complacent by the hour. If I'm about to get caught, Indiavision saves the day. "Can't hear you! Can't see here! Wifi is down!" Etc. Etc. and etc. until Simon-the-original takes over.
But this has gone on long enough. After Zoya (my niece) and I execute our master plan today afternoon, Simon will step back ( imagine my evil laugh as you read this). I'll tell you more about the plan after this call.
"Hi guys..sorry sorry! Took the extra Twenty seconds to wash my hand, you know".
I know none of those half-willed laughters would be there if Simon wasn't their boss.
"So..how's it going? Is lockdown suiting you well? Hope you are well fed, if not fed-up!" More feeble hahaha.
Simon asks me to close the monitor so that he can step in. "Sorry guys! Little technical hiccups!..."
I wish I could throw in a couple more PJs before he caught on.
"Hey Simon! Are my eyes playing trick? Weren't you just wearing a blue tee? Its white now? "
Now this is getting interesting. One of his sharper colleagues has caught it finally.
"Oh Hema..good observation! My little one just spilled some juice on me. I just rushed to change when the wifi went down. Merits of lockdown, you know!" And Simon is back in the game with desperate measures to appreciate work from home and motivate his team.
Let's discuss our plan then. It's quite simple, actually. As Simon enjoys his post-lunch siesta today, Zoya is going to cut off his beard randomly, leaving him no choice but to shave off the rest when he finds out.
It's lunch time already! Let me go make sure my dear brother eats some extra desserts that give him a deep slumber today.
"Hey Sam! I am so excited. Our HR wants us to make a short-film to spread awareness. Put your film-maker shoes on! We are gonna rock this. I'm thinking, how about hugs that go in and out of each frame! Like we are actually together and supporting each other, even though we are all in our homes safely..."
Simon goes on to explain each frame as he adds curry onto his rice. "Sima, do you think hugs are the way to portray social distancing?" I ask, trying hard not to roll my eyes.
"I didn't think of it that way. How about passing on lit lamps instead? Modiji would like that."
I nod along as I can't stop imagining a beard-less Simon holding out a lamp. It's somehow more comical in my head.
After rambling on for 45 minutes about technical details of filming that would confuse even Prithviraj, my dear brother goes to nap. Zoya tails him holding a pair of scissors as dearly as she holds her Teddy. Merits of having a doting niece, I tell you.
Long story short, Simon is too excited about the film to sleep soundly. Zoya gets caught red-handed before she could cut 2 strands of his beloved beard. I run into my room disgruntled.
Two hours later, Zoya comes to my room and shouts, "Ayyo! Sammy mama Motta!!"
Yes. There was always a plan B. It took me two hours to completely remove my Santa-beard and hair. But they are not as dear to me as the expression on Simon's face as he saw me bald as a baby.
We don't look alike anymore. No, not at all.
Okay. Cut. It's a wrap! (Camera zooms-in on Simon's shocked face).
